I can't remember the last time that I have been this exhausted - physically and mentally. The last 10 days are a blur as Ally has been in 2, yes 2 different hospitals for RSV and pneumonia. There have been tests, suctioning, medications, breathing treatments/chest PT, alarms constantly going off, oxygen on/oxygen off, and the list goes on. Most of what has been done to her has required me to restrain her while she screams and kicks and flails around. Everyone who interacts with her comments on how strong she is and what a fighter. I keep reminding myself that what they are doing is meant to help but after days and days of this I am reaching or have reached my limit. It takes everything in me to not cry/scream along with her.
I have essentially been staying at the hospital with her round the clock. I lost it Sunday morning and told Gabe that I couldn't do it anymore - if I had to hear one more alarm go off ,pin her down or adjust her nasal canula one more time I was going to scream. We had already done Sunday - Thursday at Mercy and now were 2 days into our stay at St Luke's and Saturday her sats kept dropping and the amount of oxygen that she needed kept going up. I felt like things were just getting worse not better. Gabe ended up staying with her Sunday night and I was able to go home and have a day with Sydney and actually get some sleep. Once I started analyzing (which I have a tendency to do) why I was "losing it" I realized that since her first admission I had had several days back to back without any sleep and then have averaged 1-2 hours sleep on the remaining nights... no wonder this old mama feels exhausted.
I keep telling myself that this will be over soon and Ally will feel better- I have to believe that we will be able to go home soon and life will settle back into a routine. My new mantra is "I'm a strong woman" - maybe if I say it enough times or with enough conviction it will come true!